Mr P and I had a rare night without the children on Saturday because we were going to an adult only do in the evening. This was actually the first time in over two months that we had spent any child free time together. Together time has been better this year due to me not working full time, but it usually comes with one or two children in tow as well. Saturday was pure adult only time and I have to say it was nice, but also very strange.
I think it is only when I go to social events without the children that I realise I am not overly comfortable anymore around lots of people. It may just be my anxiety playing up slightly, but actually I think it is more because I have become so used to my identity as a mum that when I am in a situation where I don’t have to be the mother figure, I feel very uneasy.
I never felt like this with my first son, possibly because I was so many other things at that time. I think being a stay at home mum can lead you to hide behind your children, as I feel I am possibly doing a bit too much at the moment. That is one of the many reasons I started this blog. I felt I needed to ensure that I was doing something for myself, besides looking after the children all the time. It took me a while as I was recovering from my most recent anxiety and depression relapse to acknowledge that I needed something for me, but the blog has really helped to give me that and has enabled me to maintain my recovery. I can also see now that I need to find other outlets where I can start to feel like myself again. I do sing with a choir and lead the singing at a baby and toddler group, which is another step forward, but I feel I need something else that reflects me during my pre-baby life (which is now over 10 years ago). I don’t know what that is yet, but I think it is important so that I don’t feel my identity is solely my children, because at the end of the day they won’t need me as they do now forever.
I am loving stay at home mum life, but the other night reinforced how I have changed and how awkward I feel without a little person to run after or fuss over. I am hoping that as my anxiety improves even more and I start to pursue different activities, I will stop feeling this way when I am out without my children. I don’t know how many other parents feel like this, but I will try to write future posts based around this topic, as it is something I am focusing on overcoming in the new year.
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Thank you for your support.
Mrs P x x x